Offensiveness = Awesomeness(?)

Something has been bothering me.

Nemmie Nemmie Nem. A wapper from the Unite.

The fact that this fucking geek can spew his guts, joke about rape, kidnapping and murder, and hate just about anything that moves (or may or may not move in the near future or past) - does not bother me so much. I'm fine with that. Spew all you want, Nemmie-nemmie-nem. Profanity is my friend too, dawg.

What does bother me, is that I can't. Whenever I drop some racial slurr, makes fun of someone diseased or dead, I get looks. Not only do they not idolize me, scream my name, and faint whenever I grab my balls, but I get shunned and judged for being a fucking asshole, just by throwing an African themed party (no food, and the drinks are seven miles away). That's fucking discrimination, and even if you're a woman and you're reading this on your tiny iPhone in the kitchen while making food, you know this.

Think about that the next time you enjoy an Nemmie Nemmie Nem «song».

The virgin killer Queen of England and the world.

Yes, so the breaking news these days are that Queen Elizabeth of England turns 10.000 years this century.

I want to take some time to celebrate her reptilian heritage and pay tribute to her massive hat collection. As Monty Python so brilliantly taught us in their masterpiece "The Meaning of Life", the purpose of living is to aquire and wear hats.

Turbans quickly became popular.

"The turban"

As a young lizard, right around the time Jesus and Socrates lived, Elizabeth arrived on planet earth wearing nothing but a pair of pumps and this turban. The turban served several purposes, not only was it a fashion accessory, but it also covered up the skull fragments that would otherwise stick out of her head. 

   You can tell that her outfit has been an influence on fashion in several cultures throughout the ages. Made very popular by the slightly darker race of reptiles known as the Bin Ladens, which are from a different starsystem entirely. Elizabeths somewhat quirky smile is due to an error made by the alien surgeon who tried to make her face as similar to a humans as alienly possible. This has been corrected countless times since then with more surgery. A steady diet of drinking virgins blood and snorting the crushed bones of sacred christian crusaders has helped her face appear healthy along the way.

"The horns"

The shape of Elizabeths head.

This must not be mistaken for a hat. In actuality this is Elizabeths original skull bonestructure sticking out of her artificial hair. It is one of the earlier attempts of making her look human, you can see that the smiling glitch has not been made yet in this picture. In hindsight we can be honest and say that this still was a shot in the dark. After all, the alien surgeons on planet Rephaxologous 7 (in the vicinity of Sirius B) only had poor sketchwork of cavemen to go by when trying to make Elizabeth ready to rule humanity.
   Where these bones or horns used to stick out of her head, she now has in place several types of sockets. These are used to fit all the other, sometimes gravitydefying hats she flaunts at times. Socket-surgery is one of many reasons why these hats havent taken off completely on the fashion market. The only people who can afford these, are mostly royals, or people related to lizards.

"More surgery"

This photo is taken after one of the recent surgeries she undertook. At this point in her life, all the famous alien surgeons had been long dead of old age, so she had to perform it herself. She tried to make herself look her age, and that had dire concequences to her facial structure. Here two of her reptillian gigolos are trying to cheer her up with cupcake-hamburgers. To no avail. Not even her hat can make her happy. Even though it also serves as a satelite dish to get signals from the snuff-channels live reptile-feeding show beamed right into her neo-cortex.

 

 

Here follows a few more of Queen Elizabeths head inserted into hats. Enjoy.

This is the most expensive prosthesis she wears. People worship this, not knowing its an artificial limb.

Here is the hat Elizabeth used when she was sheriff of the first 13. states in America.

Here Elizabeth let her real hair grow out during the celebration of her one billionth virgin murder during her reign.

The walking dead are here!

Finally. Its official. Hell is over-run and now the dead walk the earth. Just in time to make the end of times as prophecized by creationists and other bible-FACT-experts.

(I also have an interview with a real life undead, so keep reading)

Click here if you don't know what I'm talking about.

SECOND ZOMBIE ATTACK THIS WEEK!!!  

When I read this I was overjoyed because it proves everything in the bible. And if you are a skeptic and say that the bible does not state that famous quote "When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth" or something like that. I have taken the liberty to dig up what it really says. This is the TRUTH:

Isaiah 26: 19-20
But your dead will live;
their bodies will rise
You who dwell in the dust
wake up and shout for joy
Your dew is like the dew of the morning;
the earth will give birth to her dead
Go, my people, enter your rooms
and shut the doors behind you;
hide yourselves for a little while
until his wrath has passed by

Isaiah 28: 18-19
Your covenant with death will be annulled;
your agreement with the grave will not stand.
When the overwhelming scourge sweeps by,
you will be beaten down by it.
As often as it comes it will carry you away;
morning after morning, by day and by night,
it will sweep through.

Zechariah 14:12
Their people will become like walking corpses, thier flesh rotting away. Their eyes will shrivel in their sockets, and their tongues will decay in their mouths. On that day they will be terrified, stricken by the Lord with great panic. They will fight against each other in hand-to-hand combat

Matthew 27:52-53
And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,
And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

Of course this is from the bible, so it must be true. Also, mainstream media (Miami local CBS) has it right there on their webpage for all to see. Even though there is nothing in the bible about the dead eating hobofaces, it is fairly obvious to me that they would start there.


"- Walkers, or undead"

I interviewed this undead person in the streets of Miami earlier. Hear what he had to say.

To get all sides of this breaking story, I was out in the streets of Miami earlier today and met this young zombie. He let me ask him some questions about the coming pandemic.

"- When are the zombies taking over the earth?" 

"- We prefer to be called walkers, or undead. Zombie is such a degrading word. Anyway, I presume the infection will begin to take in a few weeks, and just grow exponentially from there. We plan to eat America first. Americans are so fat and juicy, and filled with artificial sweeteners, that the feast will probably last for 20-or-so years. We don't intend to take other continents yet, and we are open to communicate with Europe, Asia and Africa and keep the trade-lines open. As opposed to the Americans who ran this country into the ground, we plan to keep it afloat and repay some of our debt. After all, we have no use for money. At least for as long as there is brain." - says the zombie who prefers to be anonymous due to security issues.
 
THE INFECTION HAS BEGUN!!!

So you must soon face facts. The apocalypse is here, and if you havent found Jesus you are going to fucking burn in hell you infidel.

See, it even rhymes so it must be true.


Buy your zombie-ammo from Hornady now, before the clerks are all eaten and you must raid what's left of the cities just to get tampons for your wife IF SHE LIVES!!!

UPDATE: THERE IS MORE!

• On May 16, students and teachers at a Florida high school had to be decontaminated after breaking out in a mysterious rash, according to the Huffington Post.
• On May 21, a Bellwood, Illinois, man was arrested after allegedly biting an 18-year-old woman's cheek, according to MySuburbanLife.com.
• On May 23, a Spring Valley, Calif., man was arrested for allegedly biting the tip off of his cousin's nose off, according to NBC San Diego.
• On May 26, the same day as the infamous Miami cannibal attack, a Florida anesthesiologist allegedly banged his head against the inside of a cop car until he started bleeding following a DUI arrest. He then proceeded to allegedly spit blood in a police officer's face, acccording to ABC News 
• And a Hackensack, N.J., man allegedly stabbed himself repeatedly in front of the police on May 27, then began to pull his own guts out, and proceeded to throw his intestines at police officers, according to the Daily Mail.
• On May 26 a Palm Coast, Fla., man (yes, Florida again), was arrested for allegedly biting the lips off one kitten and strangling another cat to death, according to the Daytona Beach News-Journal.
  
  
   

I am the Jesus of predicting the zombie apocalypse. Fuck yeah, I'm so going to heaven. 

Making friends

Hello. My name is Glenn, and I have been sober for almost 15 months.

I try to be funny, so that people can like me. Often I end up insulting people. It's not on purpose.

I don't remember much about social life. I'm telling people that I have worked on my drug-crazed frenzylike disposition, and that I have learnt skills to handle real life now.

I am friendly!

So I try, and more often than not, I fail.

After a year of sobering up, I started facebooking again. Marcus, a guy I met in rehab, told me I should start out with a natural photograph for my profile.

That way people could see how relaxed and layed back I am, now that I've stopped injecting heroin into my vains for recreation and sucking dick for moneys.

My facebook profile picture.

So I put this one up. Which was a "fail!". For some reason I kept losing friends and got a lot of insulting comments. People can be so fucking rude sometimes. He said natural. How much more natural can I get?

I considered killing him, or at least violently stabbing him in the face with a screwdriver.
After all, I honestly feel this is all Marcus' fault.

Then I realized that mutilating him might be illegal, so I stole his phone and sexted all his friends telling them how I wanted to gaysex them in their assholes with my penis. I also messaged his eleven-year-old before dumping the phone back in Marcus' mailbox.

Suits him right.

Marcus was very angry with me, and he was screaming and trying to punch me when I saw him.

I tried calming him down by telling him that I really wanted to jam a screwdriver in his face, but he didn't seem to get it. Some people just can't be helped.

So I made him a cake to show that I wanted to be friends. I havent heard from him since. Maybe its hard for him. Perhaps he has commitment problems and have a hard time making new friends. :(

Yummy! Cake. Everybody loves cake. :)

Metallica. Fuck yeah!

I am fucking exhausted.

Probably not the first thing you would want to read on someones blog. Personally I cannot fathom* how you would want to read someones blog in the first fucking place, unless it has a lot of pictures and dickjokes and as few links as humanly possible. And of course it has to be sarcastic and bitter. I will provide.

*(can you read past that word, you inbread uncultivated ... sorry it's not very clever to insult readers if I wanna keep them around. I will try to restrain myself, but you have to admit ... nevermind.)

Ah well. Anyway, I was at a Metallica concert yesterday. Even though Lars is getting fat, old and increasingly bald, and has developed some sort of tick that makes him do this every five seconds or so ....

.... it was quite awesome. Gojira and Mastodon warmed up for them, and I had been looking forward to that, but the sound was horrible and the crowd was amazingly shit. (note: people are more important than the bands) At one point Joe Duplaintier (the lead singer in Gojira) stopped the concert to tell us all that we were the dullest crowd ever, and reminded us that this was a rock concert and that we should take our naps somewhere else. That was cool.

I was sober all the way through, so when Metallica came on I was pretty much alone in a crowd of 40.000. Everywhere around me people fell around on their faces, spilling their overpriced beer everywhere and pissing right next to me. The smell (which James Hetfield commented on) was as vile as in an alcoholic donkeys diseased and bleeding ass. Sweaty, nasty ugly fucking retarded fans raving around uncontrollably, talking (screaming) to eachother all throughout the fucking show. As if the shitfaced stories your friends tell everytime they are out drinking are more interesting than seeing Metallica rock your brains out.

Metallica has the ugliest fans in the universe. There may or may not be otherworldy bands on totally different planets, where the fanboys are three-headed and ninebreasted and feeds themseves ass to mouth, but Metallica-fans are still far worse.
 
Cue pictures.

I stood far off to the side, because being amidst all those hungry, drunk psychopaths was impossible without contemplating suicide by snuffing out gargling on somebodys sweaty chest. 


 

Hey, ASSHOLE!! You're standing the wrong way! Metallica is THAT way!! I'm grinding my teeth just looking at this picture. Get it away from me.

I have been to my share of rock-concerts in my day, but I have obviously been too fucked up on drugs and alcohol to notice this. People actually clap now. I feel old.

Drunk fucking retards having a meaningful conversation in the middle of a fucking Metallica show. I can't begin to convey the immense urge to kill those people. Kill'em all!

I'm speechless. A little nob in the back of the head, his head would take the other ass-face down and nobody would notice if I stomped the living crap out of them after.

 "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

 "We have great vocals too, Metallica! And we can almost muster the motor skills to make horns with our fingers. And we're many! Yay us!" - Assholes attending Metallica.

Many.

Assholes.