The walking dead are here!

Finally. Its official. Hell is over-run and now the dead walk the earth. Just in time to make the end of times as prophecized by creationists and other bible-FACT-experts.

(I also have an interview with a real life undead, so keep reading)

Click here if you don't know what I'm talking about.

SECOND ZOMBIE ATTACK THIS WEEK!!!  

When I read this I was overjoyed because it proves everything in the bible. And if you are a skeptic and say that the bible does not state that famous quote "When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth" or something like that. I have taken the liberty to dig up what it really says. This is the TRUTH:

Isaiah 26: 19-20
But your dead will live;
their bodies will rise
You who dwell in the dust
wake up and shout for joy
Your dew is like the dew of the morning;
the earth will give birth to her dead
Go, my people, enter your rooms
and shut the doors behind you;
hide yourselves for a little while
until his wrath has passed by

Isaiah 28: 18-19
Your covenant with death will be annulled;
your agreement with the grave will not stand.
When the overwhelming scourge sweeps by,
you will be beaten down by it.
As often as it comes it will carry you away;
morning after morning, by day and by night,
it will sweep through.

Zechariah 14:12
Their people will become like walking corpses, thier flesh rotting away. Their eyes will shrivel in their sockets, and their tongues will decay in their mouths. On that day they will be terrified, stricken by the Lord with great panic. They will fight against each other in hand-to-hand combat

Matthew 27:52-53
And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,
And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

Of course this is from the bible, so it must be true. Also, mainstream media (Miami local CBS) has it right there on their webpage for all to see. Even though there is nothing in the bible about the dead eating hobofaces, it is fairly obvious to me that they would start there.


"- Walkers, or undead"

I interviewed this undead person in the streets of Miami earlier. Hear what he had to say.

To get all sides of this breaking story, I was out in the streets of Miami earlier today and met this young zombie. He let me ask him some questions about the coming pandemic.

"- When are the zombies taking over the earth?" 

"- We prefer to be called walkers, or undead. Zombie is such a degrading word. Anyway, I presume the infection will begin to take in a few weeks, and just grow exponentially from there. We plan to eat America first. Americans are so fat and juicy, and filled with artificial sweeteners, that the feast will probably last for 20-or-so years. We don't intend to take other continents yet, and we are open to communicate with Europe, Asia and Africa and keep the trade-lines open. As opposed to the Americans who ran this country into the ground, we plan to keep it afloat and repay some of our debt. After all, we have no use for money. At least for as long as there is brain." - says the zombie who prefers to be anonymous due to security issues.
 
THE INFECTION HAS BEGUN!!!

So you must soon face facts. The apocalypse is here, and if you havent found Jesus you are going to fucking burn in hell you infidel.

See, it even rhymes so it must be true.


Buy your zombie-ammo from Hornady now, before the clerks are all eaten and you must raid what's left of the cities just to get tampons for your wife IF SHE LIVES!!!

UPDATE: THERE IS MORE!

• On May 16, students and teachers at a Florida high school had to be decontaminated after breaking out in a mysterious rash, according to the Huffington Post.
• On May 21, a Bellwood, Illinois, man was arrested after allegedly biting an 18-year-old woman's cheek, according to MySuburbanLife.com.
• On May 23, a Spring Valley, Calif., man was arrested for allegedly biting the tip off of his cousin's nose off, according to NBC San Diego.
• On May 26, the same day as the infamous Miami cannibal attack, a Florida anesthesiologist allegedly banged his head against the inside of a cop car until he started bleeding following a DUI arrest. He then proceeded to allegedly spit blood in a police officer's face, acccording to ABC News 
• And a Hackensack, N.J., man allegedly stabbed himself repeatedly in front of the police on May 27, then began to pull his own guts out, and proceeded to throw his intestines at police officers, according to the Daily Mail.
• On May 26 a Palm Coast, Fla., man (yes, Florida again), was arrested for allegedly biting the lips off one kitten and strangling another cat to death, according to the Daytona Beach News-Journal.
  
  
   

I am the Jesus of predicting the zombie apocalypse. Fuck yeah, I'm so going to heaven.